I was reading through some old emails from ex-pats and there seems to be some common steps that many take in their exit and recovery from TLWF, of which NickleandDimed mentioned a few. Usually there are ongoing issues with the actions of leaders that you know deep down are not right. This eventually leads to a crisis that causes the initial separation. Next there is the doctrinal discovery that the teachings do not line up with the teachings of Jesus, as you were initially led to believe. In other words, there are reasons why things are not functioning properly. Then there is the discovery that the leader(s) are not who they claimed to be. Up to this point, I kind of blamed myself for not paying close enough attention to what I had become involved with.
It’s the next step that really unleashes a torrent of emotion when you discover the leader knows exactly what they are doing and has been manipulating and taking advantage of their followers all along. It is no longer a nice guy who got off track, but someone who is deliberately causing suffering so that they can personally benefit. It can be decades before you can emotionally handle calling a spade a spade. It is shocking to find out that there are so many cult leaders doing exactly the same thing and causing the same damage. It is also interesting that God is the one who gets blamed, even though He had nothing to do with the situation. Christian means Christ-like, and these cult leaders do not represent Him at all. They are actually a picture of what He is not.
It is very similar to those who are the victim of infidelity - it’s difficult to learn to trust again. This is especially true where the infidelity completely blindsides you. Afterwards, when all your defenses are on high alert, it’s easy to assume faithful spouses do not even exist – which of course is not true. It is also similar to a child who is the victim of sexual abuse. It would be cruel to blame the child for what happened – though some abusers do. Nevertheless, as an adult, the child will have to take responsibility for their own healing. Most often, we do not get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose our response. I’ve had to work through the above, and it’s not easy.
I think perhaps the most difficult step is to become vulnerable enough to become a functioning part of a community of believers again. Our real healing comes when we re-attach to the life flow of the body. If you cut your finger off, eventually it will die if it is not reconnected. Like those who remarry, you do your best to go into the relationship with your eyes open, aware of things that you were not aware of before. Many have experienced much greater fulfillment after learning from the mistakes of previous unhealthy of relationships. Most successful businesses follow a few failures where the entrepreneur learned some hard lessons of what not to do. Perhaps it is the difficulty that makes it the narrow path that few find – not some special revelation. I happen to think the rewards are worth it.
It’s the next step that really unleashes a torrent of emotion when you discover the leader knows exactly what they are doing and has been manipulating and taking advantage of their followers all along. It is no longer a nice guy who got off track, but someone who is deliberately causing suffering so that they can personally benefit. It can be decades before you can emotionally handle calling a spade a spade. It is shocking to find out that there are so many cult leaders doing exactly the same thing and causing the same damage. It is also interesting that God is the one who gets blamed, even though He had nothing to do with the situation. Christian means Christ-like, and these cult leaders do not represent Him at all. They are actually a picture of what He is not.
It is very similar to those who are the victim of infidelity - it’s difficult to learn to trust again. This is especially true where the infidelity completely blindsides you. Afterwards, when all your defenses are on high alert, it’s easy to assume faithful spouses do not even exist – which of course is not true. It is also similar to a child who is the victim of sexual abuse. It would be cruel to blame the child for what happened – though some abusers do. Nevertheless, as an adult, the child will have to take responsibility for their own healing. Most often, we do not get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose our response. I’ve had to work through the above, and it’s not easy.
I think perhaps the most difficult step is to become vulnerable enough to become a functioning part of a community of believers again. Our real healing comes when we re-attach to the life flow of the body. If you cut your finger off, eventually it will die if it is not reconnected. Like those who remarry, you do your best to go into the relationship with your eyes open, aware of things that you were not aware of before. Many have experienced much greater fulfillment after learning from the mistakes of previous unhealthy of relationships. Most successful businesses follow a few failures where the entrepreneur learned some hard lessons of what not to do. Perhaps it is the difficulty that makes it the narrow path that few find – not some special revelation. I happen to think the rewards are worth it.